Smart Candles, Baby. We F*cking Did It.

There are some moments that tech nerds will never forget. Like Steve Jobs introducing the first iPhone with a live demo of its groundbreaking “multi-touch” screen or that time that Jobs pulled the first MacBook Air from a manila envelope to demonstrate how insanely thin it was. Okay, whatever, we mostly just remember shit that Steve Jobs said and did, but still, we remember it all the same.

And however epic those moments were, they’re just so, I don’t know, obvious. So passé! That’s why I’m creating new tech moments in my head so big and groundbreaking that I will remember the time and date I witnessed them. Moments like when I learned that smart candles are technically a thing. That’s right: smart candles. Welcome to the f*cking future.

For this momentous achievement in the world of gadgetry, we have a Chinese company called SwitchBot (the same company that makes the cuddly Kata plushie AI robot) to thank.  SwitchBot recently announced the Candle Warmer Lamp. Candle warmer lamps, for those heathens out there who are still lighting candles on fire with matches like some kind of over-privileged Neanderthal, are a type of lamp that warms your candle to activate the scent instead of using a burning wick. SwitchBot’s Candle Warmer Lamp does basically the same thing, but theirs is smart. That means the same thing it always means in this day and age, which is that it’s internet-connected.

SwitchBot’s Candle Warmer Lamp is Matter-enabled (meaning it works uniformly across all your major smart home platforms, including Google Home and Alexa) and comes with an app that lets you fine-adjust parameters like the scent and lighting levels from your phone. Yes, you can use your phone to make your candle smellier (or less smelly). Sure, you could do the same thing with a candle warming lamp that isn’t connected to the internet, but walking over to a lamp and moving a slider with your hands? Yuck, who’s got time for that? I’m a man of refinement. So refined, in fact, that I might even yell at my ancient Google smart speaker to turn my smart candle warmer on just so that it can accidentally turn my lights off instead.

In case you were wondering, SwitchBot’s Candle Warmer Lamp does support different candle sizes, though there’s a maximum of 9.5cm in diameter and 14cm in height. You can also change the brightness level, which is great if you’re trying to set the mood with, ya know, candlelight. Oh, and you can set schedules to turn the lamp on or off at certain hours, which is great for candle o’clock when everyone traditionally burns candles and says a prayer to the wax gods.

If you’re ready to exit the Stone Age of torching candles with fire, you can purchase SwitchBot’s Candle Warmer Lamp for $39, which is pretty cheap, but even cheaper when you consider the fact that you’ll be able to participate in the historic leap from regular-ass candle warming lamps to smart regular-ass candle warming lamps. I can’t say for certain, but I think Steve Jobs would approve.